For the Strength of Youth
I met with my therapist on Wednesday. She has been gracious in offering me 5:00 p.m. appointments so I don't have to miss work. We did EMDR for a while, but not for the past several appointments. These days I just go in and say what's on my mind, what stinks and how I'm handling it. And I am handling it, by and larger. She offered the option of meeting with her twice next month, once, or not at all. It's true that I am finding it less useful, or perhaps less necessary would be a better way of putting it. She's willing to offer whatever I want to receive, but we both acknowledge that I am managing myself pretty well and am through the section of greatest pressure in the vice of the divorce process in general.
And. Church today was hard. I overslept, forgot it was fast Sunday, and ate a banana before I left, so it isn't sleep deprivation or hunger that accounts for it. I was doing fine through most of testimony meeting. I got thinking about my relationship with my kids. It's been helpful to me to think about my relationship with them as separate from their relationship with me. It's liberating to be able to cultivate a good relationship with them irrespective of their behavior or their feelings toward me. I thought about sharing this useful idea, an element of what it means to watch our thoughts and our deeds. I had no interest in getting up, but then felt prompted to do so. Eventually I did. I ended up saying something about God offering us things because they are in His power to give and He believes they are in our best interest, not because we deserve them. This is my aspirational model for parenting and, for that matter, interacting with other people.
I felt extremely exposed. I don't know whether I got up to speak for my own benefit or for someone else's benefit, but I feel vulnerable about having done so. I am not a fan.
And then I went to the combined meeting about the new program for children and youth. I cried through a lot of it. I watched friends I love work with their children to write down their ideas and knew that my children wanted nothing to do with having that kind of conversation with me. I heard Elder Ballard encourage extended families to be involved and thought about how it was likely to go if my children's grandparents decide to insert themselves into the effort with my children.
Maybe I just don't sit with the sadness enough and it came out today at church. Now I am off to Self-Reliance group, followed by a birthday dinner for Tommy. He actually said yesterday that he plans to come. (His friends were there, so he was speaking to me.)
And. Church today was hard. I overslept, forgot it was fast Sunday, and ate a banana before I left, so it isn't sleep deprivation or hunger that accounts for it. I was doing fine through most of testimony meeting. I got thinking about my relationship with my kids. It's been helpful to me to think about my relationship with them as separate from their relationship with me. It's liberating to be able to cultivate a good relationship with them irrespective of their behavior or their feelings toward me. I thought about sharing this useful idea, an element of what it means to watch our thoughts and our deeds. I had no interest in getting up, but then felt prompted to do so. Eventually I did. I ended up saying something about God offering us things because they are in His power to give and He believes they are in our best interest, not because we deserve them. This is my aspirational model for parenting and, for that matter, interacting with other people.
I felt extremely exposed. I don't know whether I got up to speak for my own benefit or for someone else's benefit, but I feel vulnerable about having done so. I am not a fan.
And then I went to the combined meeting about the new program for children and youth. I cried through a lot of it. I watched friends I love work with their children to write down their ideas and knew that my children wanted nothing to do with having that kind of conversation with me. I heard Elder Ballard encourage extended families to be involved and thought about how it was likely to go if my children's grandparents decide to insert themselves into the effort with my children.
Maybe I just don't sit with the sadness enough and it came out today at church. Now I am off to Self-Reliance group, followed by a birthday dinner for Tommy. He actually said yesterday that he plans to come. (His friends were there, so he was speaking to me.)
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