A Woman at Church

I met with my therapist on Wednesday. She has been gracious in offering me 5:00 p.m. appointments so I don't have to miss work. We did EMDR for a while, but not for the past several appointments. These days I just go in and say what's on my mind, what stinks and how I'm handling it. And I am handling it, by and larger. She offered the option of meeting with her twice next month, once, or not at all. It's true that I am finding it less useful, or perhaps less necessary would be a better way of putting it. She's willing to offer whatever I want to receive, but we both acknowledge that I am managing myself pretty well and am through the section of greatest pressure in the vice of the divorce process in general. And. Church today was hard. I overslept, forgot it was fast Sunday, and ate a banana before I left, so it isn't sleep deprivation or hunger that accounts for it. I was doing fine through most of testimony meeting. I got thinking about my relationship with ...

I was at church early this morning for ward council. The bishopric learned the chorister would not be there and asked me to substitute, which I am always happy to do. It was a little funny that I wasn't wearing makeup. I usually do to church, but not always. Sometimes I don't feel like it, and I was running a little late this morning. But I probably would have put some on if I had known I would be standing up in front of the entire congregation. Then again, maybe it was just as well. The young woman leading the opening hymn seemed also to be having a late morning and didn't wear makeup, which is not usual for her. I was taking care of some things between ward council and sacrament meeting, so I didn't get much of a chance to review the hymns. Two of them were less familiar to me, but the intermediate hymn I know very well. "I have a family here on earth" [So far, so good] "They are so good to me." [Actually, two of my children are not good to me...

Today in Sunday School I shared about finding my car keys in the rental truck that I had returned because it was too small. Eean texted me something like, "What a miracle!" when I told him I found them. My cynical self immediately thought, "Is it really miraculous that a truck I reserved wasn't rented out between 4 p.m. and 7 a.m. the next day?" I gave it some real thought and decided that I choose to believe that the good things in my life come from God. I choose to believe that anytime things go my way, God has a hand, because mortality is not designed to go smoothly. I have had two divorcing women on my mind today, all this week really. They both recently moved into our ward. They are in the middle of the worst, where everything is pending and there is no decision-making power beyond getting out of bed every day. It's the most exhausting thing I have experienced. They are both working and have children different ages. There just isn't much margin. I...

I managed to take my embarrassed self to church today and serve in Primary with the person I hurt last Sunday. The intensity has abated because by Tuesday I had sent the following message: " I am asking you for a do-over. What I have said up to this point has been contaminated by face-saving efforts that I am now able to let go. Here is my do-over apology: I am sorry. The only thing wrong on Sunday was me. The word "obnoxious" comes to mind, which you are too polite to use, at least out loud. You were doing your job as quietly and kindly as possible and I interfered. I was way out of line. I don't have an explanation, even for myself. It doesn't make sense at all. I am thinking about what contributes to my moments of self-delusion that a bad idea might be a good idea when I end up bulldozing someone. It's crystal clear to me now how wrong I was, so I have a longer-term project of figuring out why that was not obvious to me at the time. But all of that i...

Today I learned that my kids are attending seminary across town with the City High kids. The West High seminary teacher told me and it cracked me up. Whatever the reason (fresh start, different people, different teacher, etc.) I am glad to know they're going. Tom has 100% attendance. I didn't check Amelia, but it's likely the same. They're two peas in a pod at the moment. I had one of those difficult, humbling experiences today where I was reminded that I don't see all the pieces and I don't know what should happen. I was watching Marilyn do singing time in preparation for subbing for her next Sunday. During most of that time the Primary president and secretary were talking at the back of the room. I was sitting back there, too, with a small table between us. I found it distracting as an adult. Marilyn had recently commented to me how distracting it can be for the kids to have people talking in the back of the room, so I was primed to notice. There was a littl...