No, really. Mea culpa

I managed to take my embarrassed self to church today and serve in Primary with the person I hurt last Sunday. The intensity has abated because by Tuesday I had sent the following message:

"I am asking you for a do-over. What I have said up to this point has been contaminated by face-saving efforts that I am now able to let go. Here is my do-over apology:

I am sorry. The only thing wrong on Sunday was me. The word "obnoxious" comes to mind, which you are too polite to use, at least out loud. You were doing your job as quietly and kindly as possible and I interfered. I was way out of line. I don't have an explanation, even for myself. It doesn't make sense at all. I am thinking about what contributes to my moments of self-delusion that a bad idea might be a good idea when I end up bulldozing someone. It's crystal clear to me now how wrong I was, so I have a longer-term project of figuring out why that was not obvious to me at the time. But all of that is entirely down to me, not to you. You just happened to be in my path. I am sorry."

It turns out if you're willing to experience negative emotions, they lose a lot of their power.

I was pretty low energy today after having a cold for most of the week, but I got the job done. I made it to the Primary room at 9:00, where I listened to the beginning of sacrament meeting while I organized myself and moved the chairs. I had planned to leave them in the parallel rows, but they were angled such that the kids at the piano side of the room were facing the corner. It was one long, slight diagonal in three rows. If I was going to move them, I may as well make them how I wanted them to be, so I made my preferred v-shape, giving me a nice big triangle at the front of the room. I made it to the chapel by the time the sacrament hymn started. My usual spot was taken, so I sat in the overflow. There were plenty of spots in the pews, but I didn't want to waltz up there late when it was just me. 

I think the junior Primary kids could have used more activity than I gave them, but we sang some songs and it was fine. Senior actually felt pretty good. I liked teaching them the first verse of "I Know that My Redeemer Lives."

We had a linger longer after church at the pavilion. It's nice for people to have a chance to visit, and the weather is good right now. Tom and Amelia were both there, so maybe they both went to church. They don't show themselves in the chapel much, so I never know.

My lunch appointment cancelled because she had to work. It's painful to watch someone else suffer through similar, yet more egregious, experiences as I have had and am having. My children have not yet assaulted me, but Tom reached a new low yesterday by telling me to "Shut the f*** up" when he came by unexpectedly and I told him hello. I don't know why he chose to come here just to shower and curse at me (not in that order). I left while he was in the shower. I decided to buy a new range because my kids don't like my kitchen. I am not going to remodel to get more counter space, but I can buy appliances that are not older than the house. I have no expectation that they will be grateful or appreciative, but I expect to be content myself.

I might get my sink replaced for Christmas. We'll see. My computer might be dead, so I have to consider what's next.

My high-dollar spending reminds me that week #2 of the self-reliance group went well. I had better go figure out where the attendance sheet is before I forget to fill it out.