Testimony
The counselor in the bishopric who conducted the meeting today spoke for several minutes about sabbath observance and then concluded, unironically, by encouraging brief testimonies. It was good. It seemed like we had a higher than average number of participants, including me. My testimony was essentially that I choose to believe that the good things in my life come from a loving God and are powered by the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I also choose not to believe that the challenges in my life mean God does not love me or that the Atonement of Jesus Christ isn't real. I feel grateful for the people around me who inspire me by their goodness to become more like Christ. I have strong confidence in the power of the love of Christ.
I was thinking today about "a clean house and happy kids." It sounds great, right? All my life whenever we asked my mom what she wanted for her birthday or Mother's Day or Christmas, she would say, "a clean house and happy kids." With six of us siblings watching to make sure we weren't stuck with more work than someone else, those two things were pretty much mutually exclusive. I remember having the same desire when my children were younger and all at home. Why can we not just get the house cleaned up without some major altercation that disrupts the peace we--no, I--was trying to create.
This week I have been watching videos of Byron Katie doing The Work with people at a retreat of some kind. Between that and my listening to Jody Moore and Brooke Castillo, I have realized that I have to get to the peace first. There is no circumstance that once achieved will bring the peace. I have to make it. Feel at peace with my house as it is, then clean it. Accept my children as they are--even if they are unable to work together without fighting--then appreciate being with them just so. I didn't do my kids any favors communicating to them that they were in charge of my emotions and could make me happy by being tidy and avoiding conflict.
And I am working through my relationship with aspirational shame and unaspirational shame. I haven't been one to identify and cultivate a passion that I felt my culture deterred me from. Aspirational shame exists, I'm just not sure how much I've experienced. Maybe it's partly responsible for my not cultivating a passion. I am not sure.
What I struggle with more right now is unaspirational shame, the idea that I am supposed to have something I want to pursue as a career, the idea that I am lazy if I don't. Honestly, there may be some laziness. There may be some fear. There may also be some recovery from trauma and some contentment. Here's what I aspire to at this moment: I aspire to be content without needing things not to change, to be accepting of the way things are without attaching to the idea that they will always be that way, not to be condescending to people with ambitious goals nor to people who appear to me to be trading water in their lives--including myself.
Here's what I've noticed: when I decide that I want to do something, I do it, even when it's hard or annoying or I don't enjoy all the parts of it. I praise wanting things I already have and not acting out of fear.
I was thinking today about "a clean house and happy kids." It sounds great, right? All my life whenever we asked my mom what she wanted for her birthday or Mother's Day or Christmas, she would say, "a clean house and happy kids." With six of us siblings watching to make sure we weren't stuck with more work than someone else, those two things were pretty much mutually exclusive. I remember having the same desire when my children were younger and all at home. Why can we not just get the house cleaned up without some major altercation that disrupts the peace we--no, I--was trying to create.
This week I have been watching videos of Byron Katie doing The Work with people at a retreat of some kind. Between that and my listening to Jody Moore and Brooke Castillo, I have realized that I have to get to the peace first. There is no circumstance that once achieved will bring the peace. I have to make it. Feel at peace with my house as it is, then clean it. Accept my children as they are--even if they are unable to work together without fighting--then appreciate being with them just so. I didn't do my kids any favors communicating to them that they were in charge of my emotions and could make me happy by being tidy and avoiding conflict.
And I am working through my relationship with aspirational shame and unaspirational shame. I haven't been one to identify and cultivate a passion that I felt my culture deterred me from. Aspirational shame exists, I'm just not sure how much I've experienced. Maybe it's partly responsible for my not cultivating a passion. I am not sure.
What I struggle with more right now is unaspirational shame, the idea that I am supposed to have something I want to pursue as a career, the idea that I am lazy if I don't. Honestly, there may be some laziness. There may be some fear. There may also be some recovery from trauma and some contentment. Here's what I aspire to at this moment: I aspire to be content without needing things not to change, to be accepting of the way things are without attaching to the idea that they will always be that way, not to be condescending to people with ambitious goals nor to people who appear to me to be trading water in their lives--including myself.
Here's what I've noticed: when I decide that I want to do something, I do it, even when it's hard or annoying or I don't enjoy all the parts of it. I praise wanting things I already have and not acting out of fear.
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